I switched on my laptop and logged in to Omegle.com, my favourite chatting website. I connected.
Me: Hi
Stranger: Hello
Me: Hello, I am Maanav. What’s your name
Stranger: Hello Maanav. I am Mehek.
Me: What do you do, Mehek
Stranger: Nothing much
Me: Are you married?
Stranger: Nopes
Me: Have a boyfriend?
Stranger: I had one before I died
Me: LOL. You have a great sense of humour.
Stranger: Have you forgotten me, Maanav?
Me: What? (I was a bit puzzled)
Stranger: You are going out with Priya
Me: Yes, but how do you know that (I was taken aback by this piece of information)
Stranger: I know everything
Me: Do you happen to know Priya
Stranger: No Maanav. I happen to know you.
Me: But??
Stranger: Why? Have you forgotten dear?
Me: Forgotten what?
Stranger: You used to date me till a year back. But then you took fancy to Priya. I was possessive about you. I would keep an eye on you. You wanted me out of the way. So, you killed me. Is that right?
Me (aghast): But Mehek, you are…
Stranger: Yes dear, I am dead. Don’t you remember how you shot me with your dad’s pistol. You dumped the pistol into the lake and buried my body in the garden. Yes, my body still lies there rotting and decaying. But my soul wanders free, hungry to take revenge.
Sweat broke out on my face. I logged out nervously. My hands were trembling. I shut down the computer promising myself that I would never again go to that site. My heart was pounding furiously. I took a glass from the kitchen and poured myself some water. I was shaking badly. In my nervousness, the glass slipped from my fingers and fell with a crash breaking into several pieces. As I bent down to clean it up, I saw a face reflected on the glass pieces. I froze. It was not my face. It was Mehek. I could suddenly feel tension in the air. I could feel someone walking in the room. I could hear someone breathing heavily. I gasped and muttered under my breath, “Forgive me please.” And then I heard a bone-chilling laughter. An invisible woman was laughing hysterically. I screamed. But there was no one in the house to hear my scream. Then a piece of broken glass flew up and pierced my chest. Blood oozed out and I moved no more.
She buried my body in the garden, in the same garden where her own body lay.
Oh wow... this was an amazing post but there's a small but.. I think you should study dialogue.. it would help out with your writing and your short stories, the way it sounds now, you have a pretty good screen play.
ReplyDeleteScreen plays don't often have dialogue quotation marks. It states the speaker's name and then it shows the person's lines (what they're supposed to say)
In fiction and short stories, you have to learn how to use the dialogue quotations. It makes the flow of your writing sound better and it makes it move more smoothly..
For example,
"I had one before I died," said the stranger on the other end.
"You have a great sense of humor." I laughed.
Typical screen plays do this,
Me- Do you have a boyfriend?
Stranger- I had one before I died.
Me- You have a great sense of humor.
and also at some point after the person's lines, it usually narrates what the person is doing, for instance go to google and look up shakespears screen plays or any kind of screen play and you'll see how they write the screen play and how they narrate what the speaker or other guests are doing while they're reciting their lines. It's really neat.
So, lovely post, the story line is awesome and the plot is really great but I think you need to decide what you want this piece to be.. either a screen play or a short story.. I could see it being slightly confusing to other readers..
thanks crystal....u r great
ReplyDeleteYou are great too Ritesh!!! AND I BELIEVE IN YOU!!! I love your stories!!
Delete:)
Deletenice story!
ReplyDeletethanks sneha :)
DeleteIt was a nice story.
ReplyDeleteAnd Crystal: Thanks for those tips. I would keep those pointers in mind before I attempt my next story.
thanks :)
ReplyDelete