No shave, no kiss: Story of me and mah gf

[He stood there apprehensively weighing in the risks of the job he was set out to do tonight. The evening sun lit his face. A serene-looking Dumbledore watched him wearily and said in a grave tone, “You need to shave Harry.”]

I texted my girlfriend Sneha, “Wanna go to the movie tonight?”

Her reply was quick but short, “Did u shave today”

I was perplexed. I sent another text. “Wat kinnna qustion is dat. How does my shaving or nt make any diffrnce.”

She shot back with, “Ok I wl go. Bt remembr the ‘no shave, no kiss’ rule.”

And then the memory hit me. The last time we went for a movie, she had got piqued since she complained of my prickling stubble. During the heat of the moment, she had framed a new rule- “The next time we go for a movie, you must come clean shaved, or else I would rather KISS A GORILLA THAN LET YOU SNIFF AT ME WITH YOUR HAIRY FACE.”

That day, I did take the oath but only to pacify her mood. I soon forgot all about it, until that last text burst my bubble.

I texted back, “Luk at SRK. Gals say he luks realy edible in Jab Tak Hai Jaan wd d stubble. I wud luk d same, ryt”

I waited for 15 minutes after which all I got was , “LOL”

My blood had begun to boil by now. I called her up. She picked after nearly a minute, even though she carries her cell on her palm all the time like a mommy kangaroo would carry its cub in her pouch. (Sneha didn’t pick the phone instantly just to make me wait as is the habit of the girl gender).

“Ya say,” was her opening line spoken dully.

Yet I was undeterred. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY ‘LOL’? AM I NOT AS SMART AS SRK? And WHY DO YOU HAVE TO COME UP WITH THESE STRANGE FANCIES,” I shrieked my lungs out. I was shaking in rage. She disconnected without even replying. It worked. In my anxiety, my temper came down. I know well that ‘an angry girlfriend is as dangerous as a howling baby and a well-set Tendulkar. All three can make your life miserable, if you are on the receiving end’.

I called again. I savored the first few seconds of her caller tune and then a lady spoke in her saccharine-coated voice, “The number you’re calling is currently busy…..and blah blah blah.” Sneha had pressed the red button. Now, my anxiety level was reaching dangerous proportions.

I texted, “Aw, sowie dear. I jst lost mah tmper coz I m so messed up wid lyf. U won’t tok 2 me kya *puppy face*”

[I hate the flowery language replacing ‘sorry’ with ‘sowie’ and ‘my’ with ‘mah’, but this was the only way to win her heart, said my fast-working brain. She was addicted to such cheesy words and used them in her most romantic moods.]

My cell buzzed after a minute, ‘K’.

I hate ‘K’ but, at least it was a beginning. Now, I knew I had a chance to talk further. She was calming down (Ah, you are a genius- I said to my brain).

I sent another text, “Sneha sneha sneha, my dear lovely sweetu. We are gonna go 2 d movie tonyt. And I wl b clean shavd. I promise. And ya, I wl use Gilette and not any inferior product. Okay??????” Then I inserted at least 4 smileys to convey that I’m taking her very seriously. (girls can get a bit out of hand if they sense that you are not taking her words seriously).

Her final text read, “Okay dear”. A smiley inserted by her completed the happy picture.

Ah, and the rest is history. What happened in the darkness of the theatre is something between me and my cheeks (and lips too) and would go down with my beard to its grave.

[Harry said to himself, ‘Sir, you too’ as Dumbledore threw back his silvery long beard and the two disapparated.]

This post has been penned for the 'Shave or Crave' contest in association with BlogAdda, the biggest community of Indian Bloggers.